One of the things about traveling to Europe is the time change. A five hour difference might not seem like a lot until you realize that when it’s 6:00pm in Lisbon it’s 11:00pm in New York, and already past your bed time. That’s when staying present has a real, tangible effect on your life. The time is what your clock says it is. There is no “it’s really X o’clock”. Especially important when nothing opens for dinner until 7:00pm.
Before we left, I was worried about being able to adjust to the time change quickly enough that I wouldn’t sleep my way through the trip. I hadn’t been sleeping well anyway, and I packed my herbal tinctures in case I needed them, along with my eye mask. The fact was that I was worried about a lot of things, and not just being able to make travel connections and luggage weight. I was worried about cleaning out my Facebook posts and getting a burner phone in case it was taken at the US border. I toned down my writing, and even censored text and phone conversations. I installed a browser that doesn’t track web activity.
When I look back I can see how I was buying into the narrative of fear that was and is being perpetuated in the media. My amygdala was happily on overdrive, needing the stimulation of constantly checking news feeds and Facebook to see what new horrors I needed to know about (because of course my life depended on knowing).
No wonder I couldn’t sleep!
The number one gift of getting out of the country was gaining perspective. With so many new sights and experiences to fill my days, my brain had other things to occupy it, and “fight or flight” went back to it’s job of keeping me from being run over by bicycles and tuk-tuks. My infrequent checking of the news and Facebook broke the fear bubble, and I gained a much wider perspective of what was happening in the US from outside of it. After the first night in Dublin I slept really well.
Three hours off the plane in Dublin - after not sleeping for 24
Since we have been back I have been able to retain an attitude of “no fear”. Although I feel my amygdala trying to grab back control from time to time, I once again post, write and say what I want to. Like in the good old days, six months ago. I think, no, I know, that my sleeplessness was being caused largely by my feeling that it was no longer safe to freely express myself in my own country, a country that was built on the principal of freedom of speech.
If anyone should be speaking up fearlessly, it is me and people like me. White citizens with deep roots in this country. People who cannot be arrested for speaking up because of the color of their skin or their place of birth. (How many American citizens were arrested in pro-Palestinian protests at Columbia - none, despite the claim that the arrests were an effort to subdue anti-antisemitism in the student body). People who can keep the narrative of diversity, equity and inclusion going without fear of being seen and suffering attacks. People who can advocate for the humane and lawful treatment of undocumented immigrants, and for fixing an immigration system that has been broken for decades.
In the post I made before I left, I said that I was looking to strengthen and broaden my foundation so that I could grow into the work I still need to do. I didn’t know that I what I was looking for was my fearless voice.
And I am happy to say that I am now sleeping very well.
Wishing you love, peace and wisdom.
Myra
